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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Strikes, Unions, & Bananas

Strikes: You know what a strike is, you probably drive by a strike at least once a month. Usually the strikees congregate at a busy intersection that is near the business/corporation they are striking against and there about five or six people there, a few holding up signs, but for the most part everyone is standing around a large plastic banner that says "SHAME ON __________(insert business/corporation name here)".
It looks something like this.
I just wanted to point out to everyone that all of these banners look the same! Seriously, all labor strike banners are white, have "SHAME ON_______", and have "LABOR DISPUTE" written at a slight angle in the top corners of the banner. They all look the same! How do all unions have the exact same banners?!? The only explanation is that unions all have the same supplier of strike products and banners. I imagine that this supplier of unions is called "Union Wholesale Products Inc.". All unions get their banners from this company. Now, all you big business owners out there who are tired of being forced by labor unions to pay your workers fair wages and time off, listen up, I am about to give you the best business advice ever. Buy the company that supplies the unions! No strike supplies, no strike! Theres only one company you gotta take out, now the only problem is finding that company. But after that you're home free! You can do whatever you want to your workers and not have to worry about them going on strike.
Union bosses, I urge you to find a new supplier for your strike products, that or stock up the supplies now, so that when big business does take out "Union Wholesale Products Inc.", you'll have plenty of supplies to conduct your future strikes. Also, what if "Union Wholesale Products Inc." experiences a strike? That would put a hold on all other strikes in the country, because no banners or posters would be getting made! So many things can go wrong.... This is why the government steps in when a company begins to create a monopoly.

Unions: I was called into the counselors office at my high school one time, and my counselor asked me what my plans were for college and a career. Well, I already knew what I wanted to do with my life and exactly how to get there (Become a bum: drop out three days before graduation, then complain about it for the rest of my life to anyone who I meet in the train cars I ride across the country). Now, I knew that I had two options; I could either A) tell her exactly what I wanted to be, have the meeting end in five minutes, and then get sent back to class, which was math by the way, or I could B) Make something up and maybe get out of the rest of class, possibly even part of next class. I chose option B.
I told my counselor that I wanted to be a union boss when I grew up. Not just any union boss, I wanted to be the head of a sanitation workers union. Now, you may ask why I chose a union boss. Well, union bosses are awesome! They are pretty much legalized gangsters! They got big, muscled, tattooed body guards that follow them everywhere and will mess up anyone that annoys them. Not to mention, union bosses got some serious power. Especially if you are the head of a sanitation workers union. A sanitation workers union boss has an entire army of garbage men, janitors, and plumbers at his disposal. This union boss is easily the most powerful man in the city. Why is that you may ask? Well, picture this, the mayor runs over the union bosses prized beagle on accident one day. To avenge the untimely death of his prized beagle, the union boss can then call a strike. All janitors, plumbers, and garbage men stop working. Are you starting to get the picture now? Public restrooms are left unattended, houses begin backing up with sewage, and the streets soon become covered in trash. The union boss has the entire city in the palm of his hand! Really, he can get anything he wants from anyone in that situation! Tell me now if he is not the most powerful man in the city.....

Bananas: You may be asking yourself, "What do bananas have to do with strikes and union bosses?". Absolutely nothing. Bananas are just really good and I'm craving one right now.

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